I love to complain about the gym. Gyms are always full of weird characters that drive me absolutely insane.
The thing is…
I found a gym that I LOVE. It’s really big and the people are friendly and, like, the people are there to work out?! There are no “influencers” using three benches and eight dumbbells to craft a makeshift tripod to film their “content”. It’s been amazing!
Anyway, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t characters there. Which, of course, is the topic of today’s post.
The Chatbot
There is this one guy who LOVES to talk. For a while, every morning I went in, I avoided him like the plague. No matter where he was in the gym, you could hear him making polite conversation.
“How’s it going? Yeah! Great. Well, work has been rough…”
I don’t like polite conversation. With friends, of course, but if I don’t know you, like, no thanks.
For a solid month when I was there, I would literally take the most circuitous routes between points A and B to avoid the conversations.
It worked for a bit, but eventually I wore a t-shirt with Link from Zelda on it, which, was like shooting up a conversational flare.
“Hey! You like Zelda?”
I mean, it would have happened eventually. I could have worn a gray t-shirt and gray shorts and he would have found a reason to talk.
“Wow! A neutral colors guy, huh?”
So, he cornered me and began to talk. The good thing about Chatbot is that he really doesn’t care if you bring anything to the conversation. He just likes to talk.
So I would give him NOTHING.
In the whole Zelda conversation (and, if you know me, you know I love Zelda), I showed no passion or interest in anything.
“You playing the new game? It’s awesome. I’m stuck in The Depths, but I’ve been playing for about 20 hours so far.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah, it’s super complex. I’ve been making all kinds of cool vehicles. Once I found Ultrahand things got so much better.”
“Yes.”
“I’m headed to the water temple next, and I think I’ve got enough hearts to make it work, but I’m not sure if I should level up the armor some more.”
“Hmmm.”
That’s just kind of how it went. Eventually it evolved into those “conversations” at least 2-3 times a week. I would offer monosyllabic responses to his monologues and then we’d go about our days.
Like, to be honest, he’s a super nice guy. I’ve got nothing against him other than my general hatred for human interaction in public places. I don’t want to engage. I don’t want new acquaintances. Tysm. I also saw him talk with the people who actually conversed. They would talk FOREVER. I just…don’t have time? I mean, I do, but I’d rather spend it elsewhere.
But there was one conversation that killed me, because I had to remain neutral and unengaged even though…like WHAT?
“Yeah, I’m headed out soon. Waiting for my visa.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I’m moving to the Caribbean.”
[It took every ounce of self-control not to ask a follow-up question. Like, I WAS curious, but I didn’t want to stand there for 20 minutes? …You’re right, I should have just asked why and what. Instead, I said: “Cool.”]
“I’m moving for work. It’s going to be pretty crazy.”
“Okay.”
“Probably won’t see you for quite a while.”
“Oh.”
And then he moved.
I think the most shocking thing about all of it is once he moved to the Caribbean (???!!!) and he no longer ambled around and talked to people, I…missed him?
I’m still processing this, but I hope he’s doing well…you know wherever he is. And whatever he’s doing. Things I never had the desire to ask about.
So…
Cool.
Chatbot’s Lover
Along with Chatbot and I in the early hours of the gym, there is this guy who is super-hot. Like, we’ll call a spade a spade. He’s that man that many gay men are problematically attracted to because he’s stereotypically male in every way, but also gay. He had shaggy hair, looked slightly dirty, and could probably lift a semi-truck.
Anyway, Chatbot REALLY liked to talk to him. When I responded with nothing, he would mosey on and find someone else to talk to.
With Super-Hot, he would run across the gym to engage.
“How’s it going? Arms today, huh? Wow. Love that.”
Super-Hot also gave him nothing, but he had much more work to do to escape Chatbot’s conversational tractor beam. To be demure: Chatbot wanted to do a lot more than converse with Super-Hot *winks in Mae West*
Well, after a few months of this, I was standing near them, and I think Super-Hot had kind of had enough. Because he literally was like, “Dude, I know you’re into me. I get it.”
HE SAID THE THING OUT LOUD. All of us at 5:30 knew this and he finally said it…directly to Chatbot.
Also like the self-confidence and audacity? “I get it.” Like, okay, calm down. We know you know you’re super-hot.
Anyway, I thought there may be some awkwardness, but Chatbot did not miss a beat. He was like “Haha. Yeah, but chest day, huh?”
I think the takeaway is if you’re Super-Hot, it doesn’t really matter what you say or don’t say or do or don’t do.
Chatbots will always be into it.
The Oracle
This man is the reason I wrote this post. Every morning he’s there. He’s older and very chill. Because he’s there every day, we occasionally make weird eye contact. But it’s not creepy eye contact, it’s…haunting…
It’s like this man is staring into my soul. I told Ernesto it’s like he has seen how I am going to die and cursed to be unable to tell me.
Probably once a week we lock eyes and then it’s like “Into the West” from Lord of the Rings plays. There is such EXPRESSION in his gaze. Again, not creepy—it’s not “I’m staring at you because of weird reasons”—it’s “I have come from beyond the veil and carry with me the knowledge of the past, present, and future. You will meet a terrible fate, but I have been bound by the laws of The Secret Universe to never speak of it.”
It's very dramatic.
And I don’t know what to do about it. Can you go up to someone and be like, “Bro, I saw you looking over here. Have you seen how I’m going to die by chance?”
Probably uncomfortable…although, I feel Chatbot wouldn’t have hesitated to have that conversation.
Even Super-Hot may have broached the topic. “Dude, I know you know how I’m going to die. I get it.” (Actually, scratch that, with Super-Hot’s ego, he probably views himself as immortal.)
It’s too bad both Super-Hot and Chatbot have moved on and no longer come at 5:30. One to the Caribbean and the other to, like who knows? Being hot elsewhere? Olympus?
Either way, despite everything, I’m glad I’m at a gym that is way less annoying than LA Fitness. I’ll take a supernatural being making awkward eye contact to remind me of my unknown fate over…well, anyone at LA Fitness at anytime.
Maybe I can tilt the convo that way by wearing a conversation piece t-shirt like I did with Chatbot: A Final Destination shirt? A shirt that says, “TELL ME IF YOU KNOW HOW I DIE.”
Now that would be a conversation I’d engage in.