Every so often, there comes a moment when you really need to appreciate something in the world. Not a brilliant film, not a touching novel, and not even a stunning sports achievement. No, sometimes you need to appreciate Debra Messing on a poster in a dermatologist’s office telling people to get their fat frozen.
Exhibit A:
So, the first thing I need to call out about this ad is that the copywriters and Debra put no effort into this. This isn’t subtle influencing, it’s a blunt advertising object. What does Debra say about freezing her fat? Is it that it boosted her confidence? Finally overcame a difficult bit of fat she’s been trying to get rid of for years? Is it helpful as her body changes over time?
No, she simply, with all the eloquence of a frat boy convincing you to chug a 40, requests you “DO IT!”
Exhibit B:
What really sent me about this ad was the copy in the middle.
“Before and after photos shown are not of Debra Messing.”
Slim Debra in her blue dinner dress wants you to know that the chubby normies in the images are not her. NO! Although they should definitely “Do it!” Debra would never have THAT much to “do” in terms of fat freezing.
I just imagined Deb’s (she’s now Deb) people reviewing the materials and being like, “Well, we really need to make it clear that that is not Deb’s chicken wing in the photo.” I kind of wish I’d been in that meeting. I assume it happened quickly because very little effort was put into anything about this poster.
Exhibit C:
The sheer number of asterisks/stars in the only actual content about the procedure is incredible. The first sentence basically flags every other word. Anything with that many qualifiers gives me some pause. Like…if the name of the product requires qualification what are we doing?
To be fair, when you dig into them, you find out half of the stars highlight the doctors who did the freezing procedures, which I’m kind of obsessed with. Like:
“Oh, did you notice this reduced love handle? That’s a Dr. Humphrey original.”
“The back fat? You’ll notice the tell-tale brushstrokes of Dr. Caruthers.”
I feel there is some kind of Modern Art exhibit in there somewhere.
[Picture a woman on an exercise ball on a treadmill]
Exhibit D (I don’t know why I’m doing exhibits...it didn’t even make sense to begin with):
Sadly, I didn’t get to take a photo of ANOTHER fat freezing ad in the hallway of the dermatologist. (For the record, I’ve never gone to a spa/dermatologist before, so I didn’t realize there is basically as much advertising as NASCAR in one of these places.)
This one had a woman riding on a medicine ball on a treadmill. She looked like she was about to topple over. I don’t remember the exact copy, but the insinuation was that rather than horribly injury yourself doing basic exercises, you should definitely get your fat frozen. I mean…okay…if you struggle enough in the gym as to collect all of the most dangerous equipment together and, you know, try to use ALL of them at once, maybe fat freezing is your best choice. Also, therapy. But you could also…go for a walk? Not all exercise is life-threatening…to most of us.
Exhibit E:
The last exhibit is more of an anecdote. But the picture reflects the absurdity of the facial expressions I make.
Anyway, at the end of my dermatology appointment, I asked the doctor about my facial skin health. Tl;dr my family has a history of globules, warts, acne, etc. on the face, and I am trying to avoid it as best as I can.
The doc just assumed I was a vain homosexual (which is true, for the record) and immediately started talking about wrinkles. She mentioned using a retinol (which I do, see vain homosexual note above), but then she also paused and goes.
“You can also make less dynamic facial expressions.”
And I literally LOL’d because:
How over-the-top were my expressions in the office to make her call this out?
Do doctors really suggest “smiling less” to reduce aging?
Mid-laugh, I was like “Oh…really?”
And she goes, “Yeah, you can practice in a mirror. Try to tone down your facial reactions.”
I can’t imagine the dynamic expression I gave her then because she backed up and goes, “Well, don’t be like a statue, but you can minimize.”
I did not know this was a thing. I also wondered if I could use this as an excuse at work to not laugh or acknowledge anything on video calls.
“I’m sorry, I’m working on my health. I can’t dynamically react to anything moving forward.”
Conclusion
To be fair, reducing my facial dynamism could also help with my fat-freezing situation. If I’m riding a medicine ball on a treadmill, I will definitely be dynamically reacting to the imminent destruction of several back vertebrae.
Either way, I’m looking forward to many years of having parts of me frozen and doing my best corpse expression. I’m going to look SO GOOD! And, even if I wanted to not do it, who am I to fight Debra Messing? What am I supposed to do when she’s staring at me with a freeze ray, a 40 oz beer, and a demand to just DO IT?