I broke my foot last month. The story isn’t that great: It was 5:30 am, and I was at the gym. The night before I’d seen the movie Saltburn and was still pondering “WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE EVEN?” and then I dropped a weight on my toe.
The best part of the story is me telling it at my family Christmas and my mom thinking it was the greatest story ever.
“What happened?!”
“Oh, there’s no story. I just dropped a weight on it at the gym.”
“Well, that IS A STORY!”
Later:
“Did Tedd tell you guys what happened to his foot?! What a story!”
“THERE’S NO STORY!”
Anyway, as a result of the non-story incident, I had to go to the doctor and get a boot. The diagnosis was that it was “crushed” and that I’d need 6 weeks to make a full toe recovery.
It’s been fine. I was relieved that I didn’t have to have surgery. If anything it’s been a learning experience.
Lesson #1: Walking
I walk very fast normally. (Just ask my poor husband who is six inches shorter than me.) With long legs, I can adjust my speed to get around annoying people, and it’s marvelous.
But with the boot, this was no longer a possibility. You guys. The terrible conversations I had to listen to because I couldn’t pass people! Also why does everyone walk so slowly?! Several times I got trapped behind young couples talking about the most mundane things SO LOUDLY. I say mundane things all the time, but it’s at a normal volume.
“DID I TELL YOU ABOUT JESSICA?”
“NO.”
“SHE’S FRUSTRATED AT HER JOB. THE JOB IS ANNOYING TO HER.”
“WOW! JOBS CAN BE ANNOYING!”
“RIGHT! I SAID, ‘MY JOB IS ALSO ANNOYING.’”
“YOUR JOB IS ANNOYING AS WELL. I KNOW.”
So many conversations like this were screamed so loudly for people to hear half a block away. Did social media do this? People think that if people respond to their posts then they will also respond to their screeching on the street?
Unclear, but by the end of week 2 in a boot, I was basically hopping down the street whenever I heard mention of a Jessica.
“DID I TELL YOU JESSICA HAD A BAD DATE?”
“NO YOU DID NOT. ONLINE DATING CAN BE FRUSTRATING, HOWEVER.”
“IT IS. AND JESSICA HAD SUCH AN EXPERIENCE.”
“WHAT HAPPENED?”
“SHE WENT TO DINNER WITH A MAN. THE MAN THEN DID NOT TEXT HER THE NEXT DAY.”
“WHAT A FRUSTRATING THING TO HAPPEN TO JESSICA.”
Lesson #2: It is scary outside my routine
After a week in the boot, I did start going back to the gym. The doctor said it was fine with the caveat that I shouldn’t “go hard on leg day.” (Like what? What was I even going to do?)
Anyway, I changed my 5 am gym routine because I wanted to make sure I got lots of sleep to help with the toe healing. I tried to go to the gym at off times so I wasn’t dragging myself around in a crowded room.
Y’all. I just… The first day back, I went in the midafternoon. (Work was slow, so I took a break between meetings.) I got in. Went to a machine, and this was THE FIRST thing that happened:
Man in a cutoff t-shirt and shorts the size of underwear walks up to his friend.
Man: Sup, dude?
Other Man: Hey, bro.
Man: Leg day?
Other Man: Yeah, dude.
Man: Nice. (beat) I’m not a douchebag, bro, but check out my leg veins. GAH! (Flexes legs in underwear-shorts.)
I almost just left. Like what? If you have to preface anything you say with “I’m not a douchebag, but…” ABORT WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY!
Of course I never returned to the gym at that time. It’s far too unnerving. Luckily I found a time in the morning when it was empty and no one was celebrating their leg veins.
Lesson #3: The body is magnificent
After this experience, I just can’t believe how magical and balanced the human body is. Who would have thought an injury to my big toe would cause such a catastrophic slow down to my life. BIG TOE, I LOVE YOU! I’M SORRY I TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED!
I was honestly grateful that this happened, so I could appreciate this fine machine I’m in that carries around my brain.
Lesson #4: People react oddly to the boot
This lesson was learned at work. I went into the office one day before Christmas (for free food, obviously), and there were some weird physical interactions. People just…didn’t know what to do.
The best part was seeing their reactions in real-time:
Oh, that man has a boot. He is also trying to get coffee. What should I—I don’t know… Maybe if… You know what? I will awkwardly walk ten feet behind him and circle to the refrigerator for no purpose. That’s what I will do.
At one point, I was dragging my foot down the hall and this woman saw me approaching. It was very similar to the scene in Austin Powers when the henchman screams as the steamroller comes towards him. This woman literally started awkwardly maneuvering when she was ten feet away. I have no idea what she was trying to avoid, but I finally just stopped moving because it felt like she was going to charge right into me.
“THANK YOU!” she said breathily, wiping away a sheen of sweat.
What did she think would happen? We were in a hallway that was eight feet wide…ALONE. The only way she could have possibly run into me is if she was blindfolded and had spun around a bat ten times.
Lesson #5: Psyche. This isn’t a lesson
This was just my favorite story from the boot period. Tl;dr my friends and I went out to a piano bar and had several drinks. At the end of the night, one of my friends suggested we go to a night club. He could get us in for free, and it was close.
Because I was wearing a boot and had a broken toe, I was like, “You know what? Probably not a good idea with my broken toe.”
My girlfriend turned to me, repulsed, and goes, “WHAT?! You’re just going to go home?! We’re all hanging out!!”
Because it was pretty early, I agreed to go. We could Uber there and I was sure I could grab someplace to sit if needed.
Well, we get in the Uber and get to the club, and then hop in line. The same girlfriend looks down at my foot and goes, “TEDD! What happened?! Why are you here?!”
Which was especially hilarious because I’d told the toe story at dinner (my mom’s favorite one—all one sentence of it), and I had tried to get out of going to the club by mentioning it again.
But my friend went from Ke$ha-party-monster “HOW DARE YOU NOT GO TO THE CLURB!!!” To Mama Hen being like “Awwwww! Can I get you a water?” within half a second.
We didn’t spend too long at the club. There was a McDonald’s close by which stole our attention.
Conclusion
I think in all seriousness (well, mostly seriousness), the best part of breaking my toe is the gratitude I now have about my big toe and being able to walk faster again. Like, I’m okay not hearing anymore anecdotes about Jessicas and their vanilla pudding life and problems. (I have all the same vanilla pudding problems; you’ll be fine, Jessica!)
I’m not a douchebag, but I think it was actually a great learning experience. And if nothing else, my mother will be entertained by the story for years.
Scene: 2032 Florida Retirement Home
Mom: Tedd, tell me that story again!
Me: The one where I went to New Zealand, saw a glacier, went to Hobbiton, and swam in the barrier reef?
Mom: What? No. THE TOE! TELL ME ABOUT THE TOE!
Me: I dropped a weight and broke my toe.
Mom: Epic. Brilliant. Iconic. That should be your next book.