COVID has been weird. At first, we were trapped inside all the time, then we weren't, then we were again. Now…no one really knows?
One of the hardest things for me in COVID Land was learning to work from home. I don't know what you call it, but I am a big space/compartmentalization person. I like everything separate. If I write, I need to be in a separate coffee shop space. If I work out it needs to be in a gym I can go to. I (used to) enjoy going to the office, then I could leave the office and work anxiety behind me. Mentally I need this separation. There is probably a name for it. In case there isn't, I'm just going to start calling myself a Space Cowboy.
This Space Cowboy tendency has made things very bizarre in the time of COVID. My last job wasn't even stressful, but because I couldn't leave my "office", I would move to my couch and go to sleep at 4:30 when work was done. Then I'd be tired and not want to leave to go to my coffee shop space to write. This all snowballed so that I started to get up at 4:30 am to go to the gym, so I could get home and write in the mornings, then log on to work.
But… uhh… guess what? I'd get up at 4:30 am, get home at 6:15 am, and nap until 7:15 am when I'd get up, roll to the computer, work til 4:30 pm then… YUP, go nap again.
I used to get up at 5 am, go to work, work out, do writing, then hang out with friends til like 10 pm. Every day! I am getting older, but I feel like a little slow down is fine, sleeping all the time for no reason… that's kind of annoying.
(We're approaching the man boobs.)
This led to a targeted Facebook ad about testosterone. Basically, it said if you're fatigued all the time as a dude, it could be low testosterone levels.
Rather than just get more sleep (which was hard because I was napping all time…ugghhhh), I thought "Maybe there's a pill I can take! Wouldn't that be totally healthy and great!"
So I paid 40 bucks to get an at-home testosterone test. They send it to you and you have to follow all these steps and put blood on an index card then send it in for a level check.*
*Um… Yes, so I didn't realize how strange it was to send your blood through the mail to strangers until my friends called it out. The company is probably making a clone of me right now. To be fair, though, I already did Ancestry, so they can make all the clones they want. Also, I cannot pursue a future career as a serial killer now because everyone has my DNA. So that’s good?
Anyway, I did the test and sent my blood to strangers.
Ernesto (for good reason) was very suspicious of this whole testosterone, blood, Facebook situation. I told him, I was curious BUT I also joked with him because … I mean, this is a business to sell testosterone to idiots online (like me!). I said I wonder if the "doctor" on the call will be the medical equivalent of a used car salesman.
I've blogged about it before, but there is this very hilarious thing that men do when they are selling things to other men, ESPECIALLY if it's something to do with masculinity. I had a personal trainer who made me feel like garbage so he could sell me a training package. This was all while he stared at girls and paid no attention to what I was actually doing in the gym.
So, I was prepared for a hard, mind-game sell when I got on the call for the consultation.
And, boy, was I very, very correct!
I'll just record (mostish…with some embellishment…I mean it’s a Tedd Hawks blog, after all) of the dialogue from the convo:
"Hi, I'm Doctor X. What made you sign up for the test?"
"Well, I've been feeling fatigued lately, and it's kind of—"
"Great. So, let's go over your results. You have average testosterone levels. But you're a large, heavy man, so they should be higher."
"Oh, okay."
"Yeah, and your free testosterone is really, really low."
"Like average?”
"Let's look at the whole picture here. So AVERAGE means it's cumulative. There are men in their 80s and 90s in that average. Yours should be much higher. Also, we haven't even talked about your estrogen."
"Oh, okay. But aren’t there like teenagers and twenty-year-olds in that average, too?"
"Maybe. And your estrogen is so high that it’s almost actually high."
"What does that even mean?"
"That's why you have man boobs and that belly fat."
I will pause here because I took this call in the lower level of my condo, which is a garden level. So, it's cold because it's half-buried in the earth. I was wearing a giant sweatshirt. He could not actually see my man boobs or belly fat. Also, whatever tech they were using, I was red and blurry on the video feed anyway? So this statement was very suspicious.
He continued: "My suggestion," he said, "is that we give you two medications: one to lower estrogen and the other to increase your testosterone. The goal is to get you from your levels at 380 to around 800-1000."
My jaw dropped… That's… increasing a lot. So I ask: "Whoa. But what will that do to me, if you almost triple my testosterone?"
I think that's a very fair question. If you have a hormone in your blood that you're going to triple… I mean… I'd just want to know what pumping me full of generic medication would do…
But Doctor X thought that was HILARIOUS. (Why?! I still don't know!) and he roars with laughter and goes:
"Well, you aren't going to turn into Superman!!! You still need to exercise and diet." Then immediately. "Well, your treatment plan is online, so be sure to read everything. Any questions?"
"Uhh…"
"Great."
Call Ended.
The most embarrassing part of this whole thing (aside from a medical professional telling me I'm basically the biggest 36-year-old pansie he's ever met), was that I thought about doing it! I wondered what my life would be like if I pumped myself full of generic medication (intended to enhance female fertility… by the way…) and tripled my hormones. Would I be able to lift a car? At least like a Smart Car or a Jetta? Could I finally grow a beard?
Ultimately after 1 Google search, it didn't sound like a good fit. Too much of this drug turns off your testosterone so you HAVE to take drugs to produce it. Which, I mean, if I'm at high-man-boob risk now, imagine if my levels dropped even further. That’s entering Mansier territory. I also got an email about their forum, and they had a picture of a man in his 60s with a 10 pack and spider veins and I was like "nothing about that looks… super healthy or natural…"
In the end, I decided to keep my belly fat and estrogen. To be honest, when I see guys with a lot of testosterone (i.e. bodybuilders) they are bald and look 20 years older than they should, so I'll stick with what has worked thus far.
In terms of all the napping, I'm still figuring it out. Plan B is to pump myself full of coffee at 3 pm CST every afternoon and push through. I'm not sure how it will affect my man boobs, but the hope is with enough creamer I can eventually lactate Coffeemate. That will save money AND keep me awake.
Take that, Doctor X. XOXO Space Cowboy