A few months ago I blogged about fixing my microwave. That was really premature. Turns out the microwave is a tease and, despite turning on and cooking a few things, was just giving me some death rattles before truly passing on to the big, electronics dump in the sky.
It happened quite a while ago, but I had absolutely no desire to take care of it. The whole ordeal appeared to be a lot to deal with: Who does one contact for microwave repairs? How much does it cost? If you need a new one… what happens?
Well, Ernesto moved in this spring and it seemed that it was the time to take care of it. It’s one thing to relegate myself to cooking everything on a stove… or just not buying any microwave food, but when you drag someone else into it… It’s common courtesy to offer a full kitchen when one’s bf is moving in.
Turns out I was right to delay it all. The whole thing was a DISASTER.
My first step was to call a microwave repairman. I mean… sure? I figured if he could do some sort of electrical magic then I wouldn’t have to buy a new microwave. The thing was only a few years old, so I thought it may be salvageable.
Wrong.
The guy was in my place for roughly 45 seconds before he gave the verdict.
“It’s fried. It’s $300 for a new electronics board, or you can buy a new microwave for $200.”
I went with the new microwave. Let’s not forget that the privilege of having this man spend 45 seconds in my house cost me roughly $100.
CHA-CHING.
So having spent a hundred dollars for someone to tell me microwave was broken, I had decided to save money in the next step, which was:
Step 2 – buying the new microwave. I found a microwave at Best Buy that was the same size as my old micro and then pulled the trigger. It was a nice Kenmore, steel-colored, looked like it could make a mean bag of popcorn.
I tabulated all the costs in my head and found that – If I used Task Rabbit and just bought the microwave and paid 2 hours of labor, I’d still end up saving roughly $60 on having Best Buy deliver and install the thing. Not bad! I’m almost back to my $100!
So I buy the thing, transport it home in the Uber (which was also computed in my savings), then got it home.
Let it be known I did, for an infinitesimal moment, think I could install the thing myself. This involved me opening the box, looking at the instructions and having NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
Have you ever looked at microwave installation instructions for fun? No? That’s weird. Well, if you would, you’d find out there is absolutely no direction for installing a microwave. It’s basically hieroglyphics. Box > Wall > Screw > Vent. That’s… it. From that you extrapolate actually shoving this 20 lb hunk of metal into a wall.
Can I also take this moment to also say I don’t understand why anyone on the planet decided microwaves should be suspended in midair. Why? At what point did someone decide that an object which could be built for $30 and put on a countertop, should be drilled into a wall and defy gravity? I guess it’s the same guy behind flat screen TVs.
“Bob, what if we just make this 1000xs harder to install?”
“You thinkin’ bout drillin it into a wall?”
“Yeah, buddy. Then we can talk about my couch that has to be suspended from I-beams.”
So, I call the Task Rabbit and he comes to my place. I go to work, Ernesto talks to him, and ….
Then Step 3 – The Microwave Bomb.
It turns out the microwave I bought literally just blew fuses. You plug it in and it sparks and flips all my circuit breakers.
THAT’S GREAT!
The Task Rabbit took a full two hours to install a giant box that basically will eventually cause an electrical fire in my house.
He texts me and tells me it’s no good.
At this point in time I was wondering if the problem was actually electrical wiring. The last microwave blew a fuse, which fried the electrical work. I told the Task Rabbit this and he suggested before getting another unit, I consult with an electrician to see if the socket above the stove (once again, why are we 7 feet above ground?) is maybe wired wrong.
I emailed my condo association to ask for electrician suggestions, which everyone promptly ignored. So I just called the company with the best reviews on Google.
The electrician shows up and is… again, there for 45 seconds before he tells me that everything is fine with the wiring. The great thing he did do was actually put an electricity thingy (I’m very technically minded) on the plug for the new microwave and showed me that it was, in fact, very defective.
That twenty minutes cost me another $120 or so bucks.
Step 4: I look like an idiot at Best Buy.
So that night I grab the old microwave and with the help of Ernesto, haul the microwave to my car, drive to Best Buy, and go to the service desk.
I tell them it’s broken, explain the situation, to which the guy takes the plug, sticks it in the wall and the microwave just FIRES RIGHT UP!
So the microwave is running and the guy is trying to be nice:
“I … uhhhh… so it doesn’t work?”
“No… it… just… it blows fuses!”
“Blows… as in how? What… does it do?”
“Just give me a new unit. This one fries my stuff at home.”
“It… how…?”
“IT’S WITHIN 15 DAYS JUST GIVE ME A NEW ONE.”
The guy is kind of unsure, but he agrees to get me a new unit. Ernesto and I get a dolly, load the thing up, take it out to the car, then drive home.
As soon as we walk in the door, I order up the same guy on Task Rabbit and tell him that we got the new unit and it’s ready to go in.
Step 5: Just Go
A few days later The Task Rabbit comes over. I am at home, finally thinking we are at the end of this chaos. My flying microwave will be replaced and I can pop some second-rate popcorn. GREAT. GOOD. FINE.
Task Rabbit comes over and I (foolishly) figured since he had installed the exact same microwave a few days before, this whole process would take 20 minutes.
He arrives and within ten minutes I hear the sure-fire signs things are going well.
“Ope.”
“Oh, damn.”
“Shit.”
I look up from my work computer and casually ask, “Everything okay?”
“Ack. Ope. Gah.”
Twenty minutes and 45 more “Opes” later, the guy calls me over.
“We’re ready to put it up. Can you hold it?”
Again, thinking victory was near after unloading 100s of dollars on… literally nothing, I run over and shove the microwave into position.
Task Rabbit drills… and drills… “Ope! Gah! Dammit.” And then he drills some more. And more.
After twenty minutes of me holding a 20 lb microwave over my head, he finally tells me to lower it down.
“Gotta check something.”
He drills some more and then plays with the screws for a bit. Finally he turns to me and says, “Yeah, looks like something is wrong with the screws.”
I’m not a handyman. This entire story explains that fact, but I know that… like… you can’t blame screws. If the microwave blows fuses, sure, blame the microwave, but if you’re drilling 100 holes in my top cabinet and then blame screws… just… well, shut up.
He putzes around some more, then tells me to lift the unit again. It goes into place and he drills… and drills…. And drills. “Dammit. Ope.”
“It’s… uhhh… not going in.”
At this point I’m covered in sweat from hoisting a microwave and am slowly realizing that this nightmarish hell mission may not be over.
“What can you do?” I ask through gritted teeth.
The guy wipes his brow and explains that it’s the screws’ fault and that he can try to screw in the other side and “hope for the best.”
“Just do it,” I said.
He screws in the other side (the screws there are obedient and non-faulty) and then he takes a step back. “That’s as good as I can get it.”
At this point the microwave is literally like half hanging above the stove. It’s not even close to being flush to the top cabinet. It looks like it’s had about 5 fireball shots and is half-passed out.
“You have to get it tighter than that,” I said.
He screws in the other side a little bit and it does get way better. He then proceeds to tell me he can get it perfect if I “go get another unit with good screws.”
That’s when I said, probably the most defeated I’ve ever been: “Just go. Please go.”
“I can…”
“See ya. Thanks.”
He leaves and I turn around to my drunk microwave. I turn it on and admire the fact that I can now, after literally burning a few hundred bucks, make some popcorn.
I know other appliances will go caput sooner or later, but it will it all be this bad? If this microwave doesn’t last at least 100 years, I think I’ll just burn the condo to the ground and start over.
But if I can be more optimistic, the microwave should last and I’ll simply keep an eye on everything else. Mostly, keep an eye on Bob because I hear his next plan is refrigerators that go up flag poles.
“Yeah, so you just uhhhh, run it up the pole. People will love it. It’s modern.”
The next time I buy a place, I’m going to make sure everything is securely bolted to the ground.