The reader needs context for this next situation to be truly funny (if that’s possible for one of these posts), so here we go.
I’m lazy and should really get another doctor, but I don’t. The guy always seems to have some sort of other test, vaccination, or THING for me to do to bill my insurance. I’ve blogged about it before but to recap:
“Oh, wow, there is a bump on your throat, you may die, let’s get a CT scan.”
“I see nasal drip, which can eventually cause your throat to melt, let me prescribe Flonase from 3 different pharmacies.”
“Have you had your whoopity whoo vaccination? It’s going around in Siberia. Better be safe.”
At the last physical I had he literally went through about 10 vaccines as we sat there:
“Hepatitis C? Chicken pox? Hep B? HPV? You down with OPP?”
Eventually after going down every possible vaccine (which… he’s made me get before…), he pauses and taps his pencil on his clipboard. There is a long silence before he looks up, stares at me dead in the eyes and goes:
“Have we gotten you a pap smear?'“
I stared at him for roughly five seconds before I BURST out laughing. I have not had uncontrollable giggles since… college probably… but in that moment I couldn’t stop.
Pap smears are for LADIES.
I remember being a kid and my mom going to the doctor. I asked her why, because I was worried she was sick. Being a good WASPy woman, she grew red as a tomato and started sweating.
“It’s uhh… oh boy… uhhhhh… it’s an… appointment… where… they… for ladies… It’s an appointment for mommies.”
Also, in the back of my head, I’m like “He literally got down to the bottom of the ‘Stuff I Can Charge Men for’ column and just started going for the ‘Stuff I Can Charge Ladies for” column.”
“So, Tedd, let’s look at some other things: Do you need a mammogram? In 20 years you’ll be in menopause, let’s start talking about hormone therapy.”
So, I’m laughing hysterically, and he starts to laugh too, but I was like “Is… he going to tell me why he needs to look in my non-existent vagina?”
So, we’re both laughing and he’s like “Yeah, gay men have to get them because it can check for anal cancer, which is different than colon cancer.”
You’d think the big c-word would have stopped my uncontrolled mirth, but I COULDN’T. I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING.
I would get a hold of myself, take a breath, look at my doctor, and then start laughing again, because, again, I’m like “Next time this guy is going to give me a shot, so I don’t get ‘Dragon rabies.’”
After 2-3 minutes of a repeated cycle of: Tedd gets control. Tedd starts giggling. Tedd takes deep breaths. Tedd continues giggling – The doctor starts to get a little miffed. He thought it was funny for 10 seconds, but not like the best joke he’s ever heard.
So he goes, “Yeah, I had a guy who got his pap smear and it saved his life. He could have died. He could be dead right now.”
That sobered me up slightly, but I still kept laughing between my questions:
“So -haha- we do it like now -haha- you put -heh- a swab up my – like – haha-bottom?”
Eventually we decided that this wasn’t the appointment for the smear. I needed some time to reflect, and I think the doctor now thinks I’m some sort of sociopath.
I get out of the appointment and text a message thread with my gay friends and they are all like “Yeah, duh, Tedd. Gay men get pap smears. It can check for a lot of things.” One of my friends even had a scare after his pap smear, so I felt like a HYUGE DICK.
But my follow-up question was like I have been going to this doctor for 4 years and we’ve never talked about the smear? Soooo… I feel like this isn’t a thing I can be held accountable for?
That night I had a volleyball game with all my straight coworkers for some actual sympathy.
My girlfriend goes, “Well, first of all, Tedd, it’s a smear not a schmear. You don’t put it on a bagel when you’re done.”
Then my guy friend speaks up and he goes, “Yeah, I really think they need to rebrand. Guys don’t want to get a pap smear. It should be called something cooler.”
That led to a great brainstorming session where we came up with a lot of alternative names for the procedure which would avoid the obvious fit of giggles when it’s first introduced:
Man Smear
Papa Smear
Dude Dig
Sick Swab
Anal Cancer Test
Literally Anything but Pap Smear
I doubt our letter to the AMA was received but I feel like a more male-centric name would at least alleviate the moment where a grown adult man has tears in his eyes because he’s laughing hysterically at a cancer prevention treatment.
I can’t wait to see what a dick I feel like when someone tells me Whoopity Whoo vaccinations are real.