I don’t trust my doctor. You probably think that’s an indication that I shouldn’t go to him anymore, but I’m also lazy. Until my doctor prescribed me anti-lazy pills, I’m stuck going to him and questioning all his judgments.
This stems back to my first visit to him and he said he felt something on my throat. He’s like “Woooowww, we should check this out. I’ll schedule for you a CT-scan.”
What I heard: “Hey sucker, let’s bill you for 5K worth of tests over what’s probably a kernel of popcorn in your throat.” Smashcut to him sitting on a beach laughing with the Director of CT-scanatology (?)
I’m very wary of doctors after a dentist episode from back in the day (So epically horrifying it’s buried back in past blogs). TL;DR a dentist wanted to rip out all my feelings and replace them with space epoxy. The cost: 10,000. The next dentist said my teeth were fine.
Anyhoo, so after throat-gate, I have always taken his recommendations with a grain of salt – or a bag of Morton.
Recently I went in for a routine exam and he’s like “Woooooowww, your throat is bad! We should get this cleared up before it turns into [insert debilitating illness here].”
I eyed him and in so many words said: “What’s that going to cost me?”
He’s like, “It’s no big deal. I’ll prescribe you some nasal spray.”
“Oh,” I said. “All right.”
That afternoon I went to Walgreens and picked up my $4 nasal spray. All was right with the world!
About 2 weeks later I get a call from CVS: “Please pick up your prescription.”
What prescription? Rather than go in, I just ignored it. I didn’t need a prescription, why would I go get one?
Roughly 2 days later I get a bag from CVS in the mail. I open it and… it’s nasal spray.
Oh…
So I look at the form and it says “You owe 4.17.”
“Shoot. Well, I could use a backup, so I’ll pay.”
Smashcut to 2 weeks later… Another call from CVS.
“Your other prescriptions ready.”
Wait… what?
2 more weeks later and another bag of spray comes in the mail.
I now had 3 bottles of nasal spray and owed $20 to CVS for mail orders. That same week I got an angry call from CVS in downtown Chicago and he’s like, “Sir, you’ve had orders sitting here for 4 weeks… pick them up or ELSE.”
I go into CVS the next day and ask what is going on. The guy who called me wasn’t the 7’ tall Ralph Kramden I thought it was, but was some slim Latino man with a stylish haircut.
“Yeah, we’ve had these orders here a long time.”
“Do you know you sound like Ralph Kramden on the phone?”
He goes back into the prescription section and pulls a bag out. On his way back to the counter, the woman working the counter goes – “Oh, is that Hawks?” She proceeds to go to another bin and pull out TWO MORE BAGS.
The guy piles all three bags on the counter and goes. “Here ya go [Alice]!”
“What are these?!”
“It’s nasal spray.”
I looked at the bags in horror. I know had paid over $50 in nasal spray fees and there was no end in sight.
“HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP?!” I asked. “I’ve literally been getting nasal spray sent to me every week for a month.”
“You should probably call someone or something,” he said swiping my credit card, (on which I now had enough nasal spray purchases to book a flight to Fiji).
My backpack was overflowing with the number of nasal spray bags I had in it. It was raining outside. I pictured my doctor next to me, “Woooooooow, looks like your nose is going to be super clear! You definitely won’t get [deadly disease] – but just spray-induced brain tumors. I should set you up with an MRI.”
I went home and logged into my online CVS account and unchecked all the subscription boxes. I had an appointment with my doctor the next day and was like MAKE THIS STOP! He said he’d “try.”
So the next day I had to do what I loathe doing… call a customer service line.
I had to talk to Wendy, Tim, and Laquisha before I had canceled BOTH MY PRESCRIPTIONS THAT WERE BEING SENT BY TWO DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS.
I was going to challenge my bill, but I just wanted it to stop. I had also spent 45 minutes of my Saturday talking to customer service reps and listening to their bizarre muzac/techno hybrid wait music. I can only imagine how long you have to wait and what you have to listen to when you call the billing department.
That being said, you can now buy back alley nasal spray on my website.*
*Nasal spray may cause spray-induced tumors. You also, by buying this product agree to a lifetime subscription to nasal spray, and Nasal Spray Weekly, a weekly catalog that always features Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover. Spray may also cause you to get in trouble with the local pharmacist as more spray will be sent to your local pharmacy, causing the sweet, twink working the counter to call you and scream like Ralph Kramden. If you are pregnant or have seen someone pregnant in a movie, you should not take back alley nasal spray.