My current car is known as Shmu the Second (Electric Boogle Shmu). Shmu The First was a beast of a car: a 2003 Buick Century that, at the end of her life, was covered in CTA train grease, had over 100K miles, and had been to the shop roughly twice in a decade. At that point in time, if you had offered me a gaggle of Teslas and a moonrover to get rid of her, I would have foregone the offer and stayed Buick strong.
My…how time has changed things.
The original Shmu did try to kill me. But, like, it was probably deserved for the treatment I put her through during the ten years I owned her. When it was time to retire her, I knew that I was going to get another Buick. It wasn’t a question. What other car could survive five polar vortexes and my driving for ten years and THRIVE? None.
My stepdad helped me get the new Shmu. It’s a cute little hybrid SUV number. The biggest advantage of Shmu II is that I don’t have to use a tape deck adapter to listen to music on my iPhone. I can Bluetooth it! Other than that, I don’t really care about car features as long as the thing gets me from point A to point B.
So, now that I’ve lived with Shmu II for a bit, I need to ask: What happened to Buick in the fifteen years between the manufacturing of Shmu I and Shmu II? It may have been some sort of Hapsburg inbreeding situation where things just started to decline rapidly, but the Buick family line is not what it was.
It started last winter. Something was wrong with the windshield. When I drove to the gym in the morning the window iced on the inside.
Annoying, but like, okay. We all have faults. I took her in to get the windshield replaced to hopefully curb that inside frost.
Then, the following summer, I drove to Springfield and the air conditioning poo-poo’d out. We were all sweating profusely as we drove down I-55 on Illinois’ only 100-degree day that summer.
That trip was at the beginning of fall, so I figured I could worry about the AC later. But I did take her in that spring. I told the dealer about it and he’s like “Cool, we’ll take a look.”
When he called me back, I was a bit, as the youth would say, “Shook.”
“So, the AC is shot. You’ve also got a problem with the brakes, the struts, the transmission will need to be looked at, and the tires are pretty bald.”
“Um. Thank you so much for this news.”
I took care of the air conditioning because… I mean, the most important, obviously.
I’m not completely negligent, so I thought “Well, I’ll get through the summer then take her in to repair…well, everything.”
Last weekend Ernesto and I went to St. Louis for an event and about an hour outside of Chicago Shmu II decided she needed more problems. I went to pass a car and the whole car started vibrating. It was like she was a lifelong smoker, and I was asking her to run a marathon.
I was afraid the whole thing was going to explode, but I didn’t want to worry Ernesto, so I just gripped the steering and pretended like the car didn’t shake like an N64 Rumble Pack when I pushed it above 75.
Oh! And to make things more fun, right after the whole smoker-Rumble-Pack situation, a semi passed us and threw back a rock that chipped my windshield. So great!
We did make it to St. Louis and back without explosions, but I went immediately to the shop when I got home to get an estimate.
When I got there, the guy greeted me and asked, “So what’s wrong?”
To which I pulled out my scroll and recounted: “Well, there are issues with the struts, the brakes, there’s a chip in the windshield, I think the tires are bad, and then the engine also sounds like it will explode.”
“Oh god…” Was his response.
So I am now $4K deep into Shmu medical bills this year and they couldn’t even fix everything.
A LEMON. SHE’S A LEMON, I SAY! THE MARIE ANTOINE HAPSBURG OF THE BUICK FAMILY!
So now, I don’t know what I’m going to do. (I actually also forgot to mention that Shmu II’s paint is peeling off. That is also a thing. I mean, why not?)
I think after holiday travel this year, I may trade her in. At this point she’s ready for Mad Max she’s had so many spare parts and surgeries.
So, if you have any suggestions for cars that don’t peel or explode, then I would love to hear them. A Buick made after 2003 will not be accepted. That was their PEAK—tape deck adapter and all.
Perhaps it’s time to start a new dynasty though. RIP Shmu, Long Live the Era of the Taurus!
Update: I wrote this blog post three days ago and Shmu II somehow has gotten a flat tire since then. Please send good vibes, thoughts and prayers, or anything cosmically positive our way. Tysm.