I always feel a bit like a douchebag writing about the gym, but there is just too much going on not to report back. At first, there were one or two characters and I'm like "That's okay but not awkward and funny enough to elicit a new gym post." But… well, things have escalated.
I give you… whatever is going on at my new gym:
The Joker
The Joker has been a malevolent presence at the gym since I started back last fall. This man laughs during his workouts. Which, okay – that in and of itself isn't that odd – I sometimes laugh a bit when I fail a weight or hear a funny song lyric over the speaker system. It happens!
Joker, though… I cannot even describe it. It's like a gasping cackle in between his sets:
Hee Hee HA HA hee hee HA HA hee!
Most people when they laugh have a cadence. You know, almost like a gleeful melody which you can predict after you hear it more than once.
The Joker has no such structure to his evil mirth. It is always sporadic and random:
Hee HA HA heeeeee!
He HA HA he HA HA HA Ha!
I recently read a quote that basically said If you want to catch someone's attention, break a pattern. Well, in this case your attention is caught, and you are filled with a primal terror…. every 3 minutes… because that is how frequently his giggle bursts happen.
Body-ody-ody
Body-ody-ody looks like a fitness model. He's shredded, has abs, arms, and glutes for days. But… I have no idea how it all worked out that way.
If you watch this man do any workout, it is a wondrous miracle that he doesn't pull every muscle and tear every ligament in the process. His workout is constructed of:
The Curl Snake: In this exercise, Body-ody-ody grabs a barbell and assumes the position for a curl. What occurs, however, is a full body thrashing that starts in the man's rear and swerves up his back and triggers his arms to fly upward toward his chest.
Squat Pop: Squat Pop consists of getting under a barbell as if to squat but instead, jutting out your booty and then awkwardly dipping/leaning over so that you perform a partial squat mixed with a morning glory. A great exercise that endangers both your lower back and hamstrings.
Body-ody-ody Lat Pull Down: He actually does this one correct. Good for her!
Most of his other free weight exercises are tough to watch. His bench press is a noodle arm wave, each arm pops up at different times.
This entry is very judgmental but, honestly, from the way this guy looks, I'd follow his fitness advice, even if I couldn't walk in 2 years.
A Musical Interlude
This man I only saw once. He would sing all of Eminem's "Lose Yourself" as he worked out. He was with his bros and stood up and sang to them as they did their sets. Every word. He just… kept singing.
Own Worst Enemy
This man is the reason this entry exists. Everyone else was just, you know, a little off, but this man wins the prize.
Two weekends ago, I was in a squat rack and this guy was working out in the squat rack behind me. I try to ignore everyone in the gym (other than to chronicle each of their faults for later blog entries), so I was trying my best to not pay attention to his constant muttering.
The muttering is actually pretty standard at this large, economy gym I go to; usually at least 1 guy during the course of a workout will be whispering under his breath. Is it a magic spell? Is he on a bluetooth talking to his friend? I don't know, but it always happens.
So, this guy is chattering, and it keeps getting louder.
I get kind of distracted because he starts talking in a normal voice and is saying something to himself at full volume. (Once again, I was trying to ignore and live and let live.)
Then, at the end of his next set, he lifts the bar into place and moves quickly up to the mirror (this means he is now right beside me). He is, once again, speaking at a normal volume, and now pointing at himself in the mirror yelling… or lecturing? himself about his performance.
"C'mon! You got this!"
He like quasi-lunges toward the mirror as if to scare himself into doing better, then spins around and starts muttering and walking away.
At this point, everyone in that area of the gym (who is used to muttering dudes, as I mentioned), HAS to turn and assess what is going on.
Luckily for me, I was done, so I got to walk away.
But… like… WHAT?! Is that what steroids does because… wow. I never saw Arnold talking to himself.
Inspirational Speaker
The last man of note (I just noticed these are all guys. Thank you, ladies, for not scaring people while working out.) always works out with his girlfriend.
I don't know if he is in an inspirational speaking class, but he is VERY into this fitness/speech thing. A good point of comparison is that this guy is like a personal trainer in a soap opera while most are personal trainers in TV sitcoms.
In the TV sitcom you'd have something like, "C'mon, Kathy. Dig deep – show me what you got!"
The soap would be something like: "Kathy… This is it. I believe in my heart, that your beautiful soul will rise up with this squat. This… is for your cousin George… who was killed in that horrible cheese accident. This. Is. For. George."
Soap Opera is the level of intensity this guy brings to his girlfriend's workouts.
"NO! You must go slow. Your entire success depends upon this foundation. THIS! Will be who you become, who you are, who you are born to be."
???…You… could just tell her to go lower on her squat, guy. Like… that would be enough?
The absolute best was the first day I encountered this couple, and they were doing squats. The guy was SO INTENSE and critiquing EVERY SINGLE thing his girlfriend was doing.
"NO! You must go slower. Slower. You must feel each muscle tense. Firm. Twitch with the stress of the weight. If your body is not in tune with the rise and fall of your shoulder, you… are… lost."
So, after lecture upon lecture about squat depth and slow reps and foundational skills, he finally moves up to the bar.
And… does… a half squat. Like, doesn't even get to a seated position, just kind of dips his booty down a bit.
I guess, as they say, those who can do – do. Those who can't do – teach!
The End
Honestly, that is the tip of the iceberg with this new gym. There are so many more characters, including Stinky Pete (a guy who… well, stinks) and a second joker (yes… this gym has a second man that cackles in between his sets), there is also squat chick (there was a weird woman!) who only does glute exercises for hours.
The WORST, though, is this douchebag who comes in in the mornings, sweats profusely, and writes bad blogs about everyone else there. Who does he think he is?!
Either way, if one of the 300 streaming services needs a sad version of the Suicide Squad that takes place in a cheap gym in Chicago, boy, do I have a set up for them.