I don't know when it happened, but all of Ernesto and my pillows gave up. There is no explanation for it, they all deflated and became incredibly flat, transforming from indulgent crème puffs to sad crepes. And it wasn't just one, the whole gang went on strike so that no matter what pillow I took from the closet, it would wither under my head.
For some reason, as a mature adult, I didn't think about my option to buy pillows that were not lifeless rags. Well, I did, but I also have a Depression-era attitude toward buying anything that costs more than $20 and would consistently improve the quality of my life. Give me a drink named for a Nintendo character and I will spend $30 right there, but anything worthwhile, I will avoid because I'm frugal, thank you very much.
Salesperson: "So, you can choose this pillow which is $15 and will improve your sleep for a year. Or, we have a sad drink that's called the Goomba. It tastes like water and the thought of a lime. It's $20 and comes in a novelty cup that you'll never use again."
Me: "Obviously I want the Goomba… Actually, make it 2."
But just like I have a weird attitude toward spending money on something worthwhile, I also have a weird attitude during the week between Christmas and New Year's and I WILL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY ON ANYTHING: Christmas decorations. Unnecessary clothing. Video games. Alcohol. Snacks. Car accessories. ANYTHING.
You name it. It's open season.
Well, this year the need for pillows and my spendthrift, post-Christmas binge lined up. Kohl's had one of their typical 700%-off sales where you somehow save $300 on $40 worth of merchandise. I actually had put pillows on my Christmas list and didn't get them, so I committed to buying some.
But, not just any pillows. AMAZING. EFFING. PILLOWS. Any buzz word you can attach to a pillow, I was reeadddyyyyy for it:
Memory foam.
Shape-meld Technology.
Hypoallergenic.
The Kohl's sale included bedding, so I was perusing pillows with astronomical markdowns. There is no doubt in my mind that the pillows couldn't possibly have ever been their actual "Suggested Retail Price." Honestly, some of them were so crazy, I thought they may be in Yen or Indian Rupees.
149.99
174.99
199.99
Then, my eyes fell on The Charisma.
The Charisma (a two-pillow set) may as well have been made from the feathers of golden geese and inspected by Jesus because they were really expensive. They were memory foam/hypoallergenic/hotel-used and described as "cluster jumbo" – whatever that is. With the markdown, my Kohl's Cash, and another random Kohl's percent-off discount, I was saving over $100 on the set, and, in my post-Christmas shopping binge, this seemed like an amazing deal, so I put the order in and awaited their arrival.
It was ridiculous how excited I was about these pillows. Now in my mid-30s, life really doesn't get much better than sitting at home, watching Netflix, and dreaming about household goods arriving on your doorstep.
When they arrived (Early!! – Bless you Kohl's!), I opened the box and admired these pillows, which Ernesto described as showing up in packaging "better than our luggage." They were in zipped up in plastic garment bags. Each pillow had its own extra pillowcase which protected the cluster jumbo core (or, I assume that's why they were buried in layers of protection).
They. Looked. Amazing.
But… When I unzipped the bag and felt the pillow, they were…
Like hard.
Like ruhhhhllyyy hard.
Like a boulder and a marshmallow had a baby and it looked like the marshmallow but inherited the boulder's constitution.
"These do not feel soft," I said.
"You need to break them in," Ernesto responded authoritatively.
These cluster jumbo sacks were huge. It took a lot of effort to get them into the proper pillowcases. Once they were in, they were so fluffed and inflated that when put on top of each other, they stood about 2 feet off the bed.
They lasted about 10 minutes.
I don't know if rich people – Charisma people – are used to sleeping on pillows stuffed full of cash and gold bullion, but WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY MORE MONEY TO SLEEP ON A BRICK?!
These pillows have 0 give. You put your head on it takes 10-15 seconds before your head starts to meld into the pillow. Not comfortably. The Charsima simply gives way slightly, so your head slightly impresses into the memory foam.
I sleep with two pillows, so my head was like laying on a wooden block, while I had my arms wrapped around a concrete square. For a second I wondered if this is what it felt like to sleep with an insanely muscular person. In which case, why would you ever do that?
After 10 minutes, I gave up. I dug out 2 crepe pillows from the closet and banished the Charisma back to their extra-special garment bags. Part of me wondered if, once back in their casings, the pillows tittered to each other about how the middle-class guy couldn't handle their Bezos-Billions comfort.
Either way, I have found out I'm not cluster-jumbo fancy (or prepared to cuddle with any bodybuilders). I hope I can repurpose my Kohl's Cash for something in the clearance section – at least if that stuff's uncomfortable, I won't have had to pay in Yen.
*This title is taken from an all-time great Queer YouTube clip. If you haven't met Freckle, please do so here.