COVID-19 Recipe Book
I thought this post was really important to make because I’ve had a lot of people say to me, “Tedd, what hot new recipes have you been trying in isolation?” I think it may have been the tilapia mentioned in my last entry or maybe it’s because I’m known for my exquisite taste in local cuisine (see my review of the Taco Bell XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito in Bon Appétit). Either way, I thought I’d share some of my most original quarantine dishes.
I also want to highlight that these recipes have no long introductions – none of these were inspired when I was in the mountains of New Zealand or on a gondola in Venice. 99% were made out of sheer laziness and what was available at Aldi’s during the COVID rush.
Sad Chicken
Sad Chicken may be a misnomer because I really have no idea what meat(s) are in this product. It comes from Aldi’s, is mutant-sized, and says “contains chicken and rib meat.” There is no specificity on what kind of animal the rib comes from. I just know it is a living entity with a rib.
Directions
1. Buy the meat product and then coat a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.
2. Don’t thaw because you have way too many video games to play to waste that effort.
3. Put the rock-hard chicken(ish) parts on the cookie sheet.
4. Douse in olive oil.
5. Now’s the fun part – literally just dump whatever is in your spice cabinet on the chicken chunks. I’ve found success with Brew Pub Chicken Seasoning (she never lets you down), Ground Red Pepper, and Season Salt (which could also be the rib of an animal… who’s to say).
6. Put the seasoned meat in the oven for 1 hour.
7. Release the meat and enjoy.
A bonus feature of sad chicken is that if you refrigerate the leftovers, some sort of green slime will congeal on them and float in the bottom of the Tupperware. This is normal! …At least as normal as the post-cooked sweat of a hybrid, mutant rib-chicken is normal.
Minimalist Salad
The minimalist salad is really designed to give the meal extra color, and, more importantly, provide some ruffage so defecation happens more regularly.
Once again, Aldi’s is your friend. They have tubs of green stuff that is most likely described as a “medley” even though, none of my salads is yet to sing.
You’ll also buy a bag of shredded mystery cheese, cheap carrots (don’t even think about buying the $3 organic ones), and Ranch dressing. The Ranch should be some sort of questionable Ranch hybrid like – Country Slab Ranch or Buttercorn Ranch – some kind of adjective combo that implies it’s richer and more caloric than a regular ranch. You’ll want to avoid words like “Lite” or “Vinaigrette.”
If you can’t figure out how to put these elements together… well, it doesn’t matter. Just use your hands to eat the medley so you can enjoy a good poo.
Mac N’ Crap
Usually I do splurge on my mac n’ cheese – even going so far as to join the Aldi’s Cheese Club (actual name brand) and get the knock-off Velveeta shells and cheese.
COVID-19, however, exhausted Aldi’s assortment of mac, so I was forced to go to Target (I know, right? What am I, a Rockefeller?!) and spend a full $1.20 on Kraft Mac n’ Cheese.
This is the part where I go into a long story.
So, I eat A LOT of mac n’ cheese. I also never cook, so never have any butter or margarine. Well, at one point I realized you need butter or oil or something to put in the mac, so I started using olive oil. (No, I know. I don’t know how I didn’t have butter but had copious amounts of olive oil – nothing that happens in my kitchen makes sense.)
For the past 5 years I’ve used olive oil instead of butter – UNTIL this week. I told Ernesto I wanted to make toast (which I still have yet to do - I know… toast) and he was very sweet and bought me butter so I could have butter and jam on toast.
It was the perfect storm because I had run out of olive oil and was forced to use butter. I am a creature of habit, so this was a WILD transition for me.
When I read the box, I saw the amount of butter that’s recommended. 4 tbsp. (pronounced tib-spah if you want to read it correctly).
FOUR. TIB-SPAHS.
Like… what?
Suddenly I realized why my mother and grandmother’s Kraft mac n’ cheese tasted lightyears better than mine. IT WAS LITERALLY 90% LARD.
I thought the four tbsp. was bananas, so I used 2. It was still like eating the golden streets of heaven. WHY DID I NOT KNOW HOW AMAZING BUTTER IS?
Anyways, if you want to make this dish, buy a box of mac n’ cheese.
Read the box.
Do the things.
Deconstructed Crème Glacée Pâte à Biscuits
This dish is all about preparation.
For dessert (or mid-afternoon snack, or late-night snack, or breakfast on weekends), you’ll want to go into your freezer, push aside the mutant chicken planks, and get the tub of cookie dough ice cream.
The tricky part of this is setting out the tub to let it melt a little bit before you start eating it. Then it turns into a milkshakey-like treat.
This is important: DON’T let the beautiful tub of ice cream convince you to eat it BEFORE it’s gotten a little melty. It will do its best. It will look so yummers that you want to just go at it right away.
Patience.
This is also my greenest dish because you don’t need a bowl (and won’t use water washing it!), you just go right to the source.
Conclusion
If you’re interested in more recipes, I honestly CANNOT help you. This is all I eat. I do make a sad sandwich with Doritos, but I feel that any person who went to college can ace that one.
I would be down for a recipe swap, though. If you have any tips for mutant-meat preparation I’m all ears. Likewise, if you know of any other ways to have more positive emotions attached to your chicken rather than sad, I’d love to hear it.
Oh yeah. And butter. Literally. Any.Thing.With.Butter.
Bon Appétite!