I have gotten into altercations at shopping centers exactly twice in the past 2 years, both of them at the Apple store. I have no idea why this is the case. It may be that the store is busier and more stressful? But I also shop at Aldi in Uptown and the customer service is A+, and that place is always busy.
The first time there was an issue, I went to pick up my new iPhone. I was STOKED. This was the first time I'd ever gotten a new iPhone on release day. I felt bougie, rich, like I was reaching my Millennial peak. This feeling was immediately curbed when I entered the store and asked the first person standing near the door where I should go.
"SIR! YOU NEED TO GO OVER THERE!"
Like… screaming. In my face, bleary-eyed, rage-filled screaming. It wasn't a frustrated customer service agent, it was more "demon from the sixth circle of Hell rising up and seeking to destroy my soul" level of rage – INTENSE.
I could totally understand frustration had there been clear signage on what to do. Then, that would have been on me, but there was no indication of how to pick up a new phone, and this woman was standing at the entrance looking like her job was to, well, you know, help people.
This incident was 10000% redeemed when I finally got help and a woman brought me my new phone. We high-fived, she told me that she loved the color I chose, she explained features – it was amazing.
That day I left thinking, "It was release day, it's no wonder that first lady was stressed! I still love you, Apple!"
And, I did love Apple. Since college I had been one of its most devoted acolytes. It was all due to the fact that in our college computer clusters we had both PCs and Macs. In the time you logged into a Mac, checked email, and printed off what you needed, a PC would still be grinding away trying to load the home screen.
Then, of course, we got the iPhone, iPad, etc. It was a huge source of pride when I bought my first laptop as a financially-independent adult and it was a black Macbook (and I was in Korea so it had Hangul on the keys – like how cosmopolitan, chi-chi was I???).
"Oh, nbd, that's just my super cool Macbook with foreign wording on it. How's your PC doing?"
Then I got an iPhone. For a while I had an iPhone SE, which, even with people making jokes about how my tiny phone indicated I had a small package, I still loved.
But, like… The love affair may be completely over.
I went to the Apple store a few weeks ago, and it was a disaster. Part of me was leary from the previous demon screaming experience, so I already was on the defensive.
The store is on security lockdown due to COVID; I totally understand that and appreciate the effort they are putting in to protect their employees and customers. But there is a link in the chain of common sense missing somewhere.
I got my temperature taken and then talked to a representative. She informed me that I was too early for my appointment and would need to wait. I walk over to this huge, open, empty space separated with barriers, which I assumed was a space for people to wait in. And it was – but… like… not for me.
I think it's important to note that the space was large enough to drive a truck into. At the time I was sent over, there were 2 other people sitting patiently.
Grabbing my phone, I took a seat to wait.
"Oh, sir," the woman said, "that's for pickups only. You can't be on the premises."
"Sorry?"
"Yeah, it's just you can't be there. You'll need to wait outside the barriers. We need this space for pickups."
I was unaware that Apple had started selling T-Rexes and iBlimps, because that is the size of vacant space that I was evidently blocking by sitting on my phone. The woman was very polite, so I walked 2 feet away to stand on the other side of the barrier. I kept my mask on and sat on my phone for 10 minutes.
After 10 minutes, I walked back over to the agent; she was gone, so it was another woman who had also been present when I tried to get in. I told her I had an appointment.
Well, the manager saw me walk through the barrier and immediately sprang into action.
"SIR! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR TEMPERATURE CHECKED! YOU CANNOT BE HERE!"
I looked at him vaguely out of the corner of my eye (She had no time for this nonsense) and quickly said: "I had it taken; I was told to wait over there for my appointment time."
The manager, incensed that I undermined him, immediately went into attack mode.
"Well, you're standing WAY too close to our associate. GET BACK!"
Mind you, I had been watching the interactions and was standing about 3 feet from the associate. Most people were up in her face looking at her iPad and breathing on her face, so I felt like it wasn't a problem. I did take a step back. It also occurred to me that Apple service reps have exactly 2 moods: pleasant and helpful and sixth circle demon. Why is there so much screaming always?
The woman with the iPad was super great and told me where to go and wait.
By this time, I was mildly irritated. I just needed the battery on my phone looked at and had been yelled at and forced off the premises so they could successfully have enough space to deliver elephants to people outside the store. This transitioned into a 20-minute wait in the direct, blaring sunlight as I waited for my appointment.
I was already perturbed – the 20-minute wait for my appointment only gave me time to brood on the experience as well as the previous time. Why was everyone so nasty?! Is this what Taylor's song "Mean" was about? Did she want to pick up an iPod and face the wrath of an Apple demon? Apple's not even that great anymore. They just keep making the same phone with more camera filters.
I get inside and 14-year-old boy is assigned to me. Having worked at Banana Republic, I tried very hard to keep my cool. It wasn't this kid's fault that they had a satanist working the front door.
The kid was… I don't even know. The conversation went something like this:
"Hi," I said. "My battery isn't charging fully. It only has about 90% power."
"Okay! Let's take a look!"
There was much typing, clicking, and iPad work. He then goes: "After diagnostics, it looks like you're iPhone batter is only at 90% power."
"Yes." I evidently have the same processing and problem-solving power as an iPad.
"This is actually great," he said. "It could be much worse."
"Oh…"
"Yeah, you must take great care of it."
"Thanks…"
"I'm going to check something else."
This led to a bizarre 5-minute conversation about a VPN. I had no idea one was on my phone and the child told me that removing it would solve all my problems.
"That's it. We got rid of the VPN. Your phone be better."
"Okay," I said. "But the phone told me it actually can't hold a full charge. It's only at 90
%. Is there anything you can do about that?"
"No."
"So…"
"It could be much worse, so you're fine."
"Ummm…"
"Yeah, if you need anything else, you'll have to call the Apple hotline."
"So… This is all you can do?"
"Yes." Pause. He then ironically asked: "Anything else you need help with?"
I just looked at him blankly. At this point I was so defeated and confused about the point of Apple stores that I couldn't even handle continuing the conversation.
As I sat on the train, I looked at the T-Mobile website for iPhone alternatives. What about a Google phone? Even if their customer service is a screaming parrot with an iPad, it'd be pretty much the same thing – maybe even better since parrots, even when screaming, are pretty rage neutral.
My battery is still a problem, but I am afraid to call the Apple hotline. What will that be like?
"Did you go to an Apple store?"
"Yes."
"Were you yelled at, shamed, and then offered no help?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's the best we can do."
It will be quite a while before I get a new phone, but I think it will be something different. I just don't know if I can emotionally handle getting berated by a 25-year-old improv actor because I asked a question. BUT I also don't know if I can emotionally handle sending texts to friends and seeing green bubbles. Will I even have friends? Will I miss all the group texts?
It's a big decision, one I'm not quite ready to completely commit to. In the grand scheme of the world burning and COVID-19, it's definitely not even in the top 10 of things to worry about. As a wise child with an iPad once said: "It could be much worse."